This week has been rough.
I couldn't tell you why. Nothing awful happened. My life doesn't suck. No one is sick or dying. My relationships are still intact and intentional. My future has possibility.
I, however, am not happy. Not only am I not happy, I've lost my joy.
If you know anything about me (i.e. if you've ever read one of my articles on The Odyssey), you know that I have depression. For months, I've been winning the battle with depression. I have been off of medication, and I have been pleasantly surprised by a self-motivated naturally positive outlook on certain aspects of my life.
What I didn't expect was for an anticipated major life change to trigger a break in my fragile state of happiness.
The moment came as an announcer at my Baylor University commencement stated "Emily Caroline Faulk" and handed me my $200,000 piece of paper (yikes). Immediately, I was lost. I entered a period of grief. Baylor had been my dream, and now it was over. My grief period involves the loss of my home in Waco, TX. It involves a 500 mile separation between my best friends and me. It involves dating long-distance. It involves moving in with my family for the summer. It involves shifting my perspective and finding a way to thrive in an environment that I never planned to enter.
For those without depression or who have not been through this stage of life, it doesn't seem to be difficult. For me, it was a disaster (but more on depression and its effects in a later post), and it has brought some of the darkest days I've had in months.
This seems overdramatic. Truthfully, it probably is, but at the root of my overdramatic speech is a sadness that I myself cannot change.
There is one way I know of to best deal with the darkest days: Jesus
"Oh shoot, she brought Jesus into it," is what I assume you're thinking.
Because again, if you know me, Jesus is not something I talk openly about, probably because throughout college I struggled with my relationship with Christ. It has been a monsoon of only counting on Christ in the darker moments. Never was there an active pursuit of His name or His plan.
This afternoon, I stopped my old car in a parking lot in the pouring rain, (which is clearly dramatic as we have established that I am a dramatic human) and opened my Bible for the first time in an embarrassingly long time. I was stunned by the words I read and was slapped in the face with the realization that I have much to learn about the love and pursuit of Jesus Christ in all situations.
I'm learning that Jesus has a lot to say about our darker days, and I think that a lot of you may have darker days come into your life in the future. My words have done some good in the past, so I think that maybe, just maybe, we can have a neat little dialogue about finding the joy in the darker days of life.
That said, I am beginning my first blog (which I swore I'd never do) in pursuit of Christ and joy in the face of the darker moments of life. I hope that you'll join me on my quest for a new perspective, because I fully and truly believe that there are brighter days ahead.
"Oh Lord, God of my salvation; I cry out day and night before you. Let my prayer come before you; incline your ear to my cry, for my soul is fully of troubles." -Psalm 88:1