Today, I did my hair and makeup. I put on actual pants and a real shirt (*see, not sorority shirt) and I didn't recognize myself. Let me tell you, that was terrifying at first. Then I started to realize why I didn't recognize myself. The bags from my eyes resulting from stress over who I am were no longer there. My eyes were brighter. I looked slimmer, as I haven't stress-eaten in weeks. I looked a little happier, and to me, that feels like a lot of progress
If you've come in contact with me at any point since the beginning of January and asked "How are you doing?", my answer has rarely been "I'm doing great."
My answer has been, "I'm making it."
Because in truth, I have just been making it. I got a little lost. It's not because of anything in my life that I've been hurting over or anything that's gone wrong.
It's been a mentality that succumbed to exhaust and negativity in the face of the life that has been good to me overall.
It has been a shower of insecurities resurfacing as I beg for reinforcement of others' affections towards me, seeking approval from friendships and praying for validation from my dating relationship.
And let me tell you, this was not a fun realization. It came two weeks ago in a moment of absolute panic over who I am and where I'm going with my life.
That little voice in the back of my head said, "Ems, you are a mess."
But this morning came a realization that being a mess isn't a bad thing. It's just one thing, just like everyone else has parts of themselves they aren't proud of. I think the first step to finding brighter days is to know who I am and accept the flaws I have and how to actively combat them. So when the little voice tells me I'm a mess, I can agree.
Because I am a mess, but I am more than that.
Today I stand (or sit and write) before you to tell you that I am a mess. I am in shambles.
I am impatient.
I am messy.
I am broken.
I am lost.
I am sinful.
I am sick.
I am panicked.
I am also affectionate.
I love deeply.
I am passionate.
I am funny af.
I am kind.
I am gentle.
I am sassy.
I am beautiful.
I am thankful for the mess that I am, because it makes me who I am.
So for those of you who have put up with me through the mess, thank you. For those of you who have loved me and stuck with me in the face of my mess, thank you. You mean everything to me, and I will never be able to thank you enough for wanting me in your lives.