Out of Control
I'm sitting at a coffee shop in Austin, watching cars creep by as their drivers curse the crowded streets of downtown Austin. Each one holds a human (or humans) who have different reasons for being in this city.
Some came here for school. Some are here for their families. Some just wanted a fresh start. Whatever the reason, they came home to Austin, Texas.
As of late, I have felt completely out of control. My life has been spiraling slowly in directions I never chose or asked for. I can look at certain situations and clearly know, "This isn't what I wanted for my life."
I don't have the energy to read or write anymore. I haven't sat down at a piano in weeks. I haven't cracked open my Bible in an embarrassing amount of time. And frankly, I haven't actively spoken to Jesus in months.
That ended this morning.
I've been going to church, I work at a job with incredible friends, I have a support system, and I have no logical reason to be unsatisfied.
Somewhere between July and today, there was a disconnect. I stopped being content, and I lost the feeling of fulfillment I so desperately crave.
I think this happens in a lot of our lives, but we're too wrapped up in the situation to notice the reality of it. We seek out comfort in times of chaos, and we often turn to the wrong ideas of comfort.
I have found that reality for me is not that my life is out of control, but that it is out of my control.
I woke up this morning feeling more broken than I have in months, so for the first time since July, I walked through church doors because I wanted to, not because I felt like I needed to.
Today, I worshipped, I mean really worshipped. And as I got back into my car after the service, I looked at the sky and said, "Please fix me."
And let me tell you, the difference in the way I felt 5 hours ago and the way I feel now is astounding. If you don't believe in Christ, you could chalk the mood change up to coffee, the breakfast tacos I just had, or the new breeze drifting through the trees, but as for me, I'm going to credit it on Jesus and His control.
When our lives feel out of control, we try to take that control back. If you're in a place even remotely similar to the one I've described, I would challenge you to actively say to Jesus, "Fix me."
Christianity isn't meant to be a quick-fix. It's a lifestyle and a choice that says, "My life is not mine to control."
I'm going to struggle to remember this. I always do, but as I fight to find peace in the knowledge that my life doesn't have to be in my hands, I hope that you can find some inspiration and peace in that knowledge as well.
God bless, and much love.